How to find my soul mate? The soul mate connection was an issue I got asked about frequently over the seven years I worked as a professional psychic in central London. Initially, I wasn’t sure about the idea of having a soul mate. It seemed to be a bit of a cliché, like holding out for ‘the one’. Though this notion was certainly very romantic – the stuff of fairy tales – I intellectualised that this common yearning was more about an individual wanting to return to the safety and nurturing of the womb, than a feeling that could be embodied completely in a human union. I wrote this article to attempt to answer the query: ‘How to find my soul mate?’. I include all the insights I’ve been privileged to gain after working with hundreds of people as a healer and psychic.
Q. How to find my soul mate? A. They’ll find you, but you might not like it
Yet, as the course of my psychic work continued, I noticed that “How to find my soul mate?‘ and other similar questions (“When will I find my soul mate?“; even “What will my soul mate look like?“) were a high priority amongst many clients. Additionally, many people had misconceptions about the notion of a ‘Soul Mate’. I remember reading a fantastic book by Sue Minns (SoulMates, 2005) that clearly explained in everyday language what you can expect from a soul mate connection. Sadly, from Sue’s account, a soul mate connection is not always hearts and flowers. This book appeared at a very pertinent time in my life – as they often do – and helped me understand, navigate and overcome what was undoubtedly a very powerful and destructive soul mate connection. My attempts to come to terms with what had happened between myself and this ‘soul mate’ led me into a process of self-enquiry which included hypnosis for past life regression. I needed answers. My subsequent soul-searching led me deeper and deeper into the spiritual realm. Here I was forced to consider the notion of ‘past lives’ and ‘soul mates’ more seriously. During hypnosis, my subconscious threw up a lifetime in the middle ages; I was a ‘wise man’ who has been summoned to serve in the court of the king of the land. I saw a picture of sloping meadows and a man on a horse who had the same energy as my ‘soul mate’ in this lifetime. He seemed delighted that I was unhappy to leave the place and family I loved to work for the king. Next, I was in the king’s court, it was crowded with people, politics and gossip. I was miserable but trapped. Strangely, this is the exact feeling my connection with the man in this lifetime had given me.
Though this dramatic storyline could be dismissed as fantasy or the human mind’s attempt to bring meaning and logic to a bad situation; this blurry vision sparked my curiosity. I went on to read, and be impressed by, Dr Brian Weiss’s best-selling Many Lives, Many Masters. It’s impossible to prove past lives exist by scientific study, but Dr Weiss’s book presented compelling anecdotal evidence. Additionally, as he is a medical doctor, his research cannot be as easily dismissed as mere ‘woo woo’ by the sceptics.
Q. How to find my soul mate? A. Which one?
I should mention here that I personally believe that we have many ‘soul mates’ throughout our lifetime: family, friends, colleagues and acquaintances. It’s only my subjective opinion, but I have felt that ‘recognition’ – the feeling of having known someone a very long time even at first meeting – on numerous occasions. I feel certain to have had soul mates as colleagues, a best friend, other friends, lovers, a teacher. All have left a significant imprint on my history. Even here in Spain, where I have only lived for one year, I have encountered some soul mates already. How do I know when a person is a soul mate and we have a soul mate connection? Well, the relationship feels deep; words are less important than the energy being expressed; there is an intuitive understanding and, frequently, a shyness, due to how much we are each ‘seeing’ into each other’s core. Yet, often the realisation that there is a soul mate connection is a surprise to me. Several times I’ve only consciously paid attention to a subtle inner knowing after the universe has shouted it at me. Typically I would make an inquiry about a person using tarot and be told in no uncertain terms: THIS IS A SOUL MATE CONNECTION. (NB. I’m a really big fan of Collette Baron-Reid’s Wisdom of the Oracle App at the moment. It genuinely seems to talk directly to me and the answer always resonates.)
Q. How to find my soul mate? A. Learn to love your ‘true self’
All that aside, let’s get back to the question: How to find my soul mate? I would say, based on personal and professional experience, there are two factors to consider. The first is the question of whether you are actually ready to meet them. By that I mean, is your house in order? Are there private matters that you need to get on with, resolve, deal with or complete, prior to being in a position for the right person to enter your life? Have you got baggage to clear or old loves to let go of? Secondly, it’s important to consider your relationship with yourself, i.e. do you actually love yourself? If the answer is yes, then you should be demonstrating self-love on a frequent basis (self-care; self-awareness; life-affirming pastimes, etc). People who take these affirmative self-loving actions notice a lessening of stress and drama in all areas of life, as well as a blossoming of healthy, respectful relationships. If you are not actively loving yourself then – and I apologise if this sounds controversial – it’s more likely that you don’t actually love yourself very much.
Q. How to find my soul mate? A. YOU need to be your own soul mate first
One of the most vital aspects of loving yourself is being able to be alone with yourself. If your have difficulty spending time by yourself it is possible that:
a) you don’t know your true self very well and therefore connecting with your true, deeper ‘self’ is scary and alien;
b) you have a co-dependent style of relating, i.e. you do things for people to make yourself indispensable or to feel needed, therefore other people’s problems are always present to distract you from your own issues; and/or;
c) there may be an unconscious fear of abandonment (of being alone in the universe), which arises when you don’t have the distraction of having other people around you or problems to deal with.
All of these three elements are completely human and not shameful in any way. Yet, until dealt with, it’s possible that you will not be ready to enter into a life partnership with a spiritual soul mate. This is because any unresolved issues will manifest in the soul mate relationship and thus hinder the growth that you and your soul mate were destined to enjoy together.
Q. How to find my soul mate? A. You are not ready yet
I found that cases where a client would ask “How to find my soul mate?” and the guidance that came through indicated they were not yet ready on all levels, information on a potential future soul mate (or soul mates) would be withheld and their attention would be re-directed to other matters. They simply would not get the direct answers they were seeking, no matter how hard I tried or how many times I re-phrased their soul mate question. At least not with me. No doubt they could go to another psychic who was not as ethical and be told what they wanted to hear. The exceptions to this rule would be when a client was disproportionately fearful or doubtful about their future; then there would sporadically be a flurry of detailed information about a potential future soul mate. After this happened a number of times, I deduced that the function of this spontaneous future insight was to give the client hope during a particularly difficult time or tumultuous change. These instances were very different from the readings with clients who were in a stable place but need a push to take more action to change certain aspects of their life. It was always my intention during each session to tune into and channel the highest and best wisdom. This high intelligence seemed to make an executive decision that people in the latter circumstances were better served by not being given the specifics of a future soul mate connection. Possibly this was because having this knowledge could make a person complacent and less willing to act, challenge themselves and grow. There might be a tendency (- again, a totally normal human tendency as it is the ego’s job to keep us safe -) to speculate: “I see. So now that I know XX will show up on XX date everything is going to be okay. Therefore I don’t actually need to do X, Y or Z. I can just wait.”
Q. How to find my soul mate? A. Stop looking and start creating space
In most cases of this kind that I witnessed, the client would be gently guided back to the here and now, and nudged in the direction of what steps they can take in the present to attract the highest and best person into their life. Sometimes these steps would be mundane; ‘learn to meditate‘, ‘start drawing again‘, ‘develop a more assertive communication style‘, even ‘clean your house‘. It also became clear that some clients literally did not have any space in their life for new people to enter: whether time-wise or energy-wise. For example, they were too busy, over-committed, stressed or overwhelmed with other stuff to do. Other times, it was revealed that people were unconsciously holding on to a past love and this energetic attachment was blocking new people from showing up in their life. This particular subject (relationship cords) came up periodically, so I eventually recorded a guided meditation to help clients remove these attachments and clear their own energy field.
Q. How to find my soul mate? A. You need to let the last one go
Sometimes the person that a client was struggling to leave behind emotionally was actually a soul mate connection that had run its course. These instances affirmed to me that soul mates are drawn together to share certain experiences, help each other grow (sometimes through difficulty or challenges) and complete certain lessons in each lifetime. Even a soul mate connection that causes a lot of pain includes hidden gifts that only become apparent years later. You may wonder: who am I to decide whether or not a relationship is a soul mate connection or not? Well, I agree with you – exactly. But part of my job was to get myself (my ego, my opinions, my prejudices, judgements and scepticism) out of the way so that the higher energy could reach the client in its unedited form. To that extent, I was nothing more than a translator. I had to be loyal to what the reading was trying to tell me, regardless of whether or not I agreed with or believed in the things it was saying. I gradually came round to the notion of ‘soul mates’ because it was such a regular theme. There was a high number of clients who either:
a) came for a relationship reading who were already with a soul mate, or;
b) came for a relationship reading but were single but still attached to a soul mate from the past.
The reason I said this with confidence was that after several years of giving professional readings, I deduced a pattern from the appearance of the 6 of Cups card in the Rider Waite Tarot deck. The 6 of Cups card was significant to me as, long before I was reading for people professionally, I did tarot readings for myself. The 6 of Cups tarot card was always the card that indicated a soul mate connection. Hence, I took that meaning forward when I started to give paid readings. The 6 of Cups tarot card would either show up during a tarot reading or appear clairvoyantly. The frequency of this card’s occurrence in professional spreads persuaded me that the soul mate theory had more relevance today than I had previously assumed.
Q. How to find my soul mate? A. Be patient
This brings me on to the final part of the “How to find my soul mate?” question: Divine Timing. Unfortunately, and as frustrating as it can be, I believe we can’t always schedule the appearance of a soul mate – even when our metaphorical house is in good order. I have reached the conclusion that some things, including soul mate connections, really are pre-ordained, fated or destined to be. Such junctures in life come at pre-agreed times as part of a soul contract. Practising the law of attraction is all very well (- and I do believe positive thinking combined with deliberate action towards goals often creates magical results). Yet, it is my humble opinion, that there are some elements of our lives that we do not have the power to change. (For more reading on this subject, I recommend Dr. David Hamilton’s Destiny Vs. Freewill, Hay House, 2007). Even though we may experience a human lifetime as an unbearably long time to wait for something to happen, in a universal sense, this timeframe is relatively insignificant.
To this extent, a degree of re-framing is necessary. I think of William Blake’s poem “To see a World in a Grain of Sand, And a Heaven in a Wild Flower, Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand, And Eternity in an hour.” Or Violet Fane prose (cc. 1892): “All things come to those who wait“. I surmise that some of us have to develop the feeling of the love we crave within ourselves until that future time when the pre-ordained magic happens. Meanwhile, three pieces of guidance from the Masters, for those nurturing a patient heart:
- Chop wood and carry water (Zen adage).
- Put your heart, mind, intellect and soul even to your smallest acts. This is the secret of success. Swami Sivananda.
- That which is a man’s own cannot be permanently lost. It comes to him of its own accord. He need only be able to wait. Hexagram 63: After Completion (I Ching, Bollingen Edition).
The last thing I would like to add to the “How to find my soul mate?” discussion is that, from my experience, soul mates arrive when we are least expecting them. So, if you are waiting for that special soul mate connection, turn your attention to making your life the happiest it can be in the meantime. You may be surprised by what the universe delivers when you are not looking.
Souls Mates Understanding the True Gifts of Intense Encounters by Sue Minns (Hodder Paperback, 2005)
The Soulmate Myth: A Dream Come True or Your Worst Nightmare? by Judy Hall (Flying Horse Books, 2010)
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